The Feminine

One and so many,

Separate and whole.

Living in you, through you, being you.

All at once, connected.

The maiden, the sister,

The mother of all,

The warrior, the witch,

The lover, the slut,

The walking seduction

The goddess, the queen,

The widow, the crone,

The wise woman knows.

One and so many.

Separate and whole.

Call them what you want,

So many names making up one form.

A great power in the deep.

Filling you up,

Overflowing with love,

Sharing wisdom,

Questioning, debating, 

Knowing her own.

Demanding the truth.

Consuming the wrong.

Letting her power show.

One and so many,

Darkness and light.

Living in you all the time.

I first discovered self pleasure as a young child of 6 years old. Climbing up a construction on a playground and suddenly feeling this lovely sensation between my legs. I naturally didn’t know what it was I just knew it felt amazing and I want more. I spend a long time on that construction and then later exploring in bed or in the bathtub. As the years went by the curiosity grew, still as a child seeing snippets of sex scenes in movies with my partners covering my eyes made me want to discover more. I remember looking into other peoples changing room cabins in swimming pools to learn about the human body. From the reactions of my parents, them covering my eyes or reprimanding me, I quickly realised that I have to keep my hobby hidden. 

There was this innocent interest to discover this feeling with others, the need to talk about it with my peers, to learn more, so at the age of around 11 I started experimenting with my girl class friends on sleepovers just asking them out of curiosity if they have experienced any of what I have been feeling, and almost always learning that yes indeed they have. Then we exchanged techniques and ways to do it, in the bathtub, rubbing this way or stroking that way, using a shower head, and so on. This without shame or fear just learning about something that is as natural as breathing. 

At that age being already more aware of what sexuality was about I discovered porn and spend many hours and sleepless nights on various sites learning all about the art of sex from pornographic videos. This turned more and more into an addiction and became very unhealthy. At one point my parents discovered this in the computers history, oh the shame. They even put restrictions up and limited my internet hours. But that feeling of shame didn’t stop me, the pleasure was to great. 

At around 14 I learned of online dating sites while with some friends and the possibility of connecting to strangers through messages and videos. Me and a couple of friends would spend time together, talking with people, discovering this way of connecting, learning about masturbation and seduction, seeing it as a fun way to spend time. And indeed it was very fun and addictive to have people admire your young beautiful body. 

So I spend many hours hidden in my room or bathroom video calling and masturbating with men online, them often being many years older. But my teenage attraction to men was very active and the need for attention and appreciation big. I spend that time experimenting, kissing with my friends and learning from the experiences. 

So as things go I had my first boyfriend at the age of 15, him being a couple of years older. Loosing my virginity with him was a very pleasant experience and the 3 years we spend together in a long distance relationship were relaxed and beautiful. We were both raised Catholic, so we kept things hidden from our parents for a long time. Mine not even realising I had sex until I talked about this many years later.

After moving out of my parents house at the age of 19 to study I had a phase of parting and discovery. After a while I discovered  dancing and at my second social dance party met my current partner. Pretty quickly after meeting him, we had a date and in the evening sex. Him having some Tantra background and a lot of experience made it the best sex I had. At that time I was studying medicine, he was freshly out of a breakup so we both wanted to just have a nice time without commitments. The time spend together was so relaxed, the sex so amazing that we ended up seeing each other almost every day. This lasted for about a half a year before feelings came up, so after some time of figuring out what we want from each other we decided to start an open relationship, sometimes also trying out polyamory. During this time we had other partners and also have shared many experiences with others together. With him I could live out all my darkest fantasies and he would love it, with him I felt comfortable, I learned more about seduction, myself and my pleasure, about men, women, toys and boundaries. He was the one who introduced me to the Wheel of Consent and to Roger, the founder of Tantra Secrets. I’m very thankful for that. 

At the beginning of our time together and in our sex life I quickly discovered that my body can experience things that I have no words or explanations for. I reached new peaks in orgasms, went into full body orgasms and bliss states, felt the Kundalini energy in me, experienced beautiful freeing Dearmouring sessions that allowed me to fully open, discovered the possibly of surrendering to the divine and to a man and learned how to dominate the masculine. At the same time I started having many spiritual experiences and awakenings, my psychic abilities awakened, I could see things that others couldn’t, feel people, travel out of my body and many more. Because of these experiences I started looking for answers, diving deep into teachings about Tantra, Sexuality, Spirituality, Energy Work,  Psychology, and so on. The time of learning and remembering myself, coming back to my truth and my soul and spirit began. The list of explorations is long and growing.

With time and experience I realised that all this I experience with my partner, the bliss, surrender and love, I can also experience on my own. This being possible with breathwork, masturbation, focus, relaxation or even just bringing awareness to it and simply being. I learned of the polarities inside of me. I sadly also learned that it’s very different for many people. I saw the need to bring more awareness and healing to this topic. To the taboo things, to shame, desires, traumas and boundaries. I dug deep into women’s work, learning all there was about the feminine, the archetypes, the cycle, the needs, the way of being and with this about about the masculine. After a while I started holding space in women circles, discovering with the participants the many things there are to discover on Sexuality, Life, Emotions and Relationships. 

Being and becoming even more attuned to my needs, desires and boundaries was a tremendous step in taking responsibility and ownership of my life and of my pleasure. Following my truth is still a key part of my progress, I always yearn to discover more and reach new peaks on my path. 

My Sexuality is deeply connected to Spirituality. I now again feel the calling to share this beautiful work on Sexuality, Self Pleasure, Desires, Boundaries and it’s connection to Consciousness Expansion, Growth, Abundance, Spirituality and Selfcare. It is time to bring more awareness to the topics, to heal deep wounds, to feel pleasure and bliss, to discover the polarities and expand the orgasmic states. I believe sexuality is an important part of the self work one can do on the path of personal development and spiritual growth. I see the importance of fully experiencing the polarities to transcend them and become one with the universe.